What to do now?

It's been a long time since I wrote and you know what? It's because I'm really not mad anymore. I said that before, I know, but I'm just saying it's really true. I live alone (with my 4 pets of course) and I quite like it. I'm happy.

And, along those lines, I recently learned something interesting about myself. I met a man, and he seemed nice enough and we had enough in common that I thought I'd give him a chance. I had fun with him, for a time, but he lived a long ways away from me (and really, who doesn't, right?) and eventually when he called he would say to me that he was lonely. And sad. And didn't really know what to do with himself all day long. He was not used to living alone as he'd only within the past year just gotten out of a 10 year marriage and gone from living with his wife and their six kids to living alone in a one bedroom apartment. He had no idea how to handle that, or what one did with one's self when one got up every morning. And although he really wasn't looking to me to solve ALL of that, he was whining to me about it with some regularity. I told him that Dude, everyone is lonely and I really didn't think that a person could solve anyone else's lonely. And that he should get a dog. That relationship didn't work out and here is what I learned about me from that:
1. I'm comfortable with me and with waking up everyday to find that I still live alone in this big house.
2. I am relatively happy and look forward to my weekends--I get to spend the whole weekend alone!--that I pack with a long list of stuff I need to get done.
3. I can't solve your lonely or anyone else's. Everyone is lonely to some degree.

But that's not what this post is about. What this post is about is me trying to figure out what I am going to do next. I was convinced, until about a month ago or so, that all I wanted to do was get the hell out of Dodge. I was blocked from doing so by the state of remodel on my house so my plans were:
1. fix up house
2. move

But. But I've been thinking. And part of this will not sound like me at all, at first, but read on and hear me out. And then tell me what you think of my logic. I'm 45 years old. If I fix this house, and sell it, and I'm really really lucky, I will walk away from here with $10,000. Maybe $20,000. And then I'll move somewhere, right? And get a great job and find a house to buy and what? Start over again? And take on a 30 year mortgage so that I'll be looking at a $1,000+ house payment every month from now til I'm 75 years old? Really? That does not sit well with me. And I'm surprised at myself for even bringing it up because I get annoyed at people my age (and even older) who bitch about being too old, getting old, about age being a barrier to anything. Annoys the crap out of me. And yet. I can't see me starting over and buying into that whole scheme. My goal in life is to be debt free and that includes having no payment for my housing.

On the other hand, if I could stick it out here, I'd have this place totally paid off in 10 years. Less. I have a great job and I'm never happier than I am when it's summer and I'm out in my garden. The black dirt this place has to offer...

I've put a lot of work into this place. I've planted flowers, I've built sidewalks, fences and gardens, I've moved walls and tiled floors. Not alone, but now I'm alone so it becomes my work. Because it's my blog and I'm the hero. I'm emotionally invested in this place and it's a perfect place to live when one lives alone with 4 pets. We have a beautiful fenced-in yard and the perfect place to go for nice long dog walks everyday. Kitties can roam free and I rarely worry about my own personal safety. But that is not what this is about. This is about financial freedom. And lately, when I take a frank look at it, it seems to me like I might be financially free sooner if I stay here a bit longer. And if I take my leave quickly, I feel like I'd just be trading one trap for another.

But it could just be that since it's summer, I've naively managed to let myself forget the harsh reality that is winter here. And it's also possible that I'm afraid of a big change, although I'm pretty sure I'd smack anyone besides me who dared suggest that to me. (just kidding)

So. There it is. That is the current struggle that rages through my head in my waking hours. I'm just not sure if my points are valid or if I'm trying to convince myself. And if I am, why?

Oh, and there is one more thing. And this is just straight up fear and also a bit weird. As I said, I'm comfortable living and being alone. I'm not looking to date anyone. I wouldn't mind finding someone to be with eventually though. But I'm so scared that if I DO stay here, I'll meet some guy and then (again) get stuck here forever. But I also keep thinking that it's at least possible that there might be someone within driving distance I could love. I mean, I'm here, right? And when these thoughts go through my mind, the voice up there says this: Get out now before it's too late!!

heh. Don't know what to do with all this but get it out there. :)