As I was listening to NPR the day before Fathers’ Day—This American Life was on—I heard several people read heartfelt essays that they wrote about their dads. “I should do that,” I thought.
As I attempted to write my heartfelt essay about my dad, I found with each attempt that I wasn’t writing about my dad, I was writing about me.
My dad and I have a lot in common and I find that now he is one of my best friends. This was not always the case. But what has always been the case is that we’ve always been a lot the same, Dad and I, and I find that my life has been enriched by his influence.
Ever since I was young, Dad has made it clear to me that I can do anything and be anyone I want. Without judgment, he has encouraged me pursue what I like. Singing along to Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better from the Annie Get Yer Gun soundtrack is one of my most treasured childhood memories and a philosophy that was instilled in me as a kid.
When I was in high school, I worked at Dad’s vet clinic, for a time one summer. This was when I learned how important it is to Dad to learn by doing, to be involved. See, I thought my summer would consist of answering the phone, scheduling appointments and taking care of puppies and kitties. I didn’t know that Dad was hoping that I’d get involved in actual vet work. I hadn’t been there very long when Dad asked me to come help out in the back. He wanted me to learn by doing, to get an appreciation for the job. Which is something I’m totally down for if it involves puppies and kitties.
But that was not the case. No. What this was, see, was a guy had brought his bull in because he, the bull, was to be a donor for an artificial insemination program. And Dad and the bull’s owner were about to coax a usable sample out of the bull. And Dad wanted me to get involved and help out.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of being involved and I definitely value hands-on learning and all that, but….. well…. I didn’t really see how I could be much help and I’m sorta adverse to dealing with any procedure that involves someone else’s bodily fluids. So I smiled and nodded for a few minutes and then snuck back out to the reception desk. Someone needed to answer the phone, right?
In college, I learned that there are two types of people in the world: Those who aren’t happy now but think that they will be, just as soon as…. As soon as they reach some goal, they say, THEN they will be happy. Except that they never are because there’s always a new goal. Now, don’t get me wrong, goals are good. In fact, here’s another thing I learned from Dad: People who have goals, and write them down, are significantly more likely to achieve them than those who don’t write their goals out.
But I digress. The other kind of person is the one who either wakes up happy every day or, if they don’t wake up happy, they take the initiative to fix whatever is keeping them down. Be happy or change something, right?
Of course, it isn’t always that simple but I believe that Dad helped me to understand that it’s always possible and to take responsibility for my own happiness.
Another interesting lesson in this vein came in 1993. I was living with Dad and Elizabeth in the house that Elizabeth grew up in. And Dave, at that time, had quite a sweet tooth. And he wanted some cake. He’d never made a cake before, but he didn’t want to ask me or Elizabeth to make a cake. (Wise move.)
So he says to me, “I bet I could make a cake.”
“Of course you can, Dad,” I told him.
“I’m a doctor,” he said, “I studied for years to become a vet. A cake can’t be that hard, can it?”
“No,” I told him, “especially if you use a box mix!” J
So he made himself a cake. And it was a good cake. And he learned that cooking was fun and I learned that my dad, and everyone, regardless of age, can grow and change.
Because, you know, the Dave you see here has changed a LOT during his tenure as my dad. He used to be a Republican, you know. ;)
But anyone who decides to learn to dive at age 65, who is always espousing the “change is good” motto by moving every 5 to 10 years, who confidently changes careers after 30 years of doing something he’s really good at, is clearly curious about the world and fearless.
And while I see Dave as being defined by these traits—strongly being himself, learning by doing, being brave and fearless, embracing lifelong learning, being curious about the world and taking responsibility for his own happiness, I also see a deeper underlying value that ties all these different qualities together to really help explain who Dave is. And that quality is love.
He loves me, and all of us, this I know. And he also loves animals. His love of animals is shared by everyone in the family. He’s been a vet for my whole life but it wasn’t until I had pets of my own that I came to understand how being a vet was his true calling. I absolutely love the devotion that my spotted dog has to him and the way he treats her. All my pets love him and his gentle touch. The change I see in him when he is around a sick or injured animal is profound. His gentle demeanor and ability to calm and assure an upset dog, his ability to personify his love in such a real way—this is the underlying principle that defines my dad. Love is at the core.
May we all be as loving, responsible, curious and fearless as Dave.
I love you dad. J
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I Love this Beast
We are asleep when it starts.
At first I think she’s just dreaming.
I soon realize it’s something else.
She loses control and falls to the floor.
She’s moving-shaking-and her eyes are vacant.
Her tongue is out, she’s foaming.
And this is when it hits me hard:
I love this beast.
But there’s nothing I can do.
I watch, wait.
I want to hold her, to let her know I’m there
But she is not there.
It seems to last forever and I am helpless.
Finally her spastic movements gradually slow.
Her eyes go from completely blank to distant staring.
They are full of fear.
“Hi,” I say softly as I reach out for her.
She recoils in fear.
She does not see me.
She has no idea where she is, who I am, who she is.
I watch, wait.
And then. Then she looks at me.
She’s still afraid but she’s back and she’s looking right at me.
Her body relaxes and she has some control.
She lets me hold her.
She licks my hand. One tiny lick.
As we sit there on the floor our fear fades and we just feel love.
I hold her tight.
She wags her tail.
Eventually she stands up.
She is confused and needs to smell it all.
She sniffs the bed, the floor, herself and me, trying to understand.
She’s thirsty too; she drinks and drinks.
Finally, investigations complete, thirst sated, she joins me again on the floor.
I’ve been watching, waiting.
She curls up by my leg and I skritch her head.
She is back. All is well.
I love this beast.
At first I think she’s just dreaming.
I soon realize it’s something else.
She loses control and falls to the floor.
She’s moving-shaking-and her eyes are vacant.
Her tongue is out, she’s foaming.
And this is when it hits me hard:
I love this beast.
But there’s nothing I can do.
I watch, wait.
I want to hold her, to let her know I’m there
But she is not there.
It seems to last forever and I am helpless.
Finally her spastic movements gradually slow.
Her eyes go from completely blank to distant staring.
They are full of fear.
“Hi,” I say softly as I reach out for her.
She recoils in fear.
She does not see me.
She has no idea where she is, who I am, who she is.
I watch, wait.
And then. Then she looks at me.
She’s still afraid but she’s back and she’s looking right at me.
Her body relaxes and she has some control.
She lets me hold her.
She licks my hand. One tiny lick.
As we sit there on the floor our fear fades and we just feel love.
I hold her tight.
She wags her tail.
Eventually she stands up.
She is confused and needs to smell it all.
She sniffs the bed, the floor, herself and me, trying to understand.
She’s thirsty too; she drinks and drinks.
Finally, investigations complete, thirst sated, she joins me again on the floor.
I’ve been watching, waiting.
She curls up by my leg and I skritch her head.
She is back. All is well.
I love this beast.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Adventures in On-Line Dating, Part Two
The very first guy to contact me was Rob and he was decent looking, quite a bit younger than me and cocky as hell. But he was also funny and a bit of a flirt so I emailed with him a little bit. It was fun. But he was demanding in an uncomfortable way. He wanted me to text with him, not email. He wanted to use “real” email, not the match email. Now. Being new to the game I was like, Um, ok, and gave him my “real” email address and my cell number. We texted, we emailed, we even talked on the phone a couple of times. I’d met guys like Rob before and knew that what I was looking for and what he was looking for were two different things. I was looking for someone to grow old with, he was looking to get laid. He talked a lot about all the cool places he’d been, cool things he’d done and cool toys he owned but never took a breath long enough to consider that I was person too, with my own stories and not just a someone to impress. And I wasn’t all that impressed, but God bless him, he never even knew that.
What I learned from Rob was that you can't give out your real email or your phone number until you know a guy pretty well. Because once he sends you pictures of his dick in the email, you will always worry if he can find you or not. Not that I thought he'd want to necessarily, because when I said, "Dude. You sent me pictures of your dick." He replied, "No." and that was the end of that. I changed my voice mail message anyway so that my last name was no longer in it, just in case. And I set up a fake email account to use in the future.
A lot of men looked at my profile, a few men winked at me, but very few actually contacted me. Some men sent me emails just saying “You have the most interesting profile.” Honestly, how does one respond to that? Do you just say thanks, do you ignore it, do you wonder if they are actually interested? I haven’t solved that one yet as I've never really been interested enough in the guys who've said that to pursue them.
Another guy who contacted me was Ken and he seemed nice enough and had a sense of humor too! As we started to email each other I quickly learned that although he had listed his status as "Divorced," he really wasn't. I mean, sure, he was done being married and completely over her but technically he was "Separated." But, he told me, he didn't FEEL married anymore so he couldn't put that as his status. Against my better judgment, I cut him some slack and agreed to meet. And in person I soon learned that he was not, in fact, the same height as me but actually 2 inches shorter.
What I learned from Ken was that if a guy has two lies in his profile, it will probably take a long time before you really actually trust him. I dated Ken, for a time. And he is a nice guy. Communication is big with him and we even talked about the size difference between him and me. "You really are an Amazon," he said to me and really I should have just broken it off right then. I didn’t.
I also learned, again, something I already knew: People who are dating too soon after a serious relationship ends aren’t over it, no matter how much they insist or think that they are. Ken was full of anger at his soon-to-be-ex and pursuing his divorce while we were dating. I got tired of hearing about what a bitch she was and what shenanigans she had pulled now, and I eventually told him that it wasn’t fair and he had signed up for match before he was really ready. I was looking for someone who was already not just done with all that but so over it that it was just an old and not that interesting story to tell. But he was pretty fun to do stuff with so I gave him a chance, and another and another.
And that, my friends, is my special gift in this world: Giving men more chances than they deserve just to ensure that when it’s over, I have no regrets, no if-only-I’d-tried-this. When it’s over, I’m done and don’t look back. Being like this serves its purpose but sometimes seems a bit ridiculous when looking in from the outside. My hope, of course, is that someday I'll meet a guy who is enough of a match that I don't feel like I'm compromising my wishes and who I can just be with, without feeling the exasperation of, "Ok, I'll give this guy ONE more chance..."
Eventually, it fizzled and Ken’s break up line with me is now famous, nay infamous: “We have a lot in common,” he said to me, “but we also have a lot not in common. Like,” he continued, “I believe in God and you don’t.” Well then. I never held that against him, did I? No. And he knew that from day one—my profile says I'm spiritual but not religious and we’d talked about God and religion several times. AND it’s not really even accurate because I’m not really an atheist. Not every day anyway. And yet, I was relieved when he ended it. I fell into a trap with him of liking to just have someone around as opposed to really looking for a deeper love.
And Match it UP, Men continued to add sage advice to its brochure:
Don’t Lie in your profile.
She will eventually see how tall you are.
Separated and working to get divorced is not the same as divorced no matter how you slice it.
What I learned from Rob was that you can't give out your real email or your phone number until you know a guy pretty well. Because once he sends you pictures of his dick in the email, you will always worry if he can find you or not. Not that I thought he'd want to necessarily, because when I said, "Dude. You sent me pictures of your dick." He replied, "No." and that was the end of that. I changed my voice mail message anyway so that my last name was no longer in it, just in case. And I set up a fake email account to use in the future.
A lot of men looked at my profile, a few men winked at me, but very few actually contacted me. Some men sent me emails just saying “You have the most interesting profile.” Honestly, how does one respond to that? Do you just say thanks, do you ignore it, do you wonder if they are actually interested? I haven’t solved that one yet as I've never really been interested enough in the guys who've said that to pursue them.
Another guy who contacted me was Ken and he seemed nice enough and had a sense of humor too! As we started to email each other I quickly learned that although he had listed his status as "Divorced," he really wasn't. I mean, sure, he was done being married and completely over her but technically he was "Separated." But, he told me, he didn't FEEL married anymore so he couldn't put that as his status. Against my better judgment, I cut him some slack and agreed to meet. And in person I soon learned that he was not, in fact, the same height as me but actually 2 inches shorter.
What I learned from Ken was that if a guy has two lies in his profile, it will probably take a long time before you really actually trust him. I dated Ken, for a time. And he is a nice guy. Communication is big with him and we even talked about the size difference between him and me. "You really are an Amazon," he said to me and really I should have just broken it off right then. I didn’t.
I also learned, again, something I already knew: People who are dating too soon after a serious relationship ends aren’t over it, no matter how much they insist or think that they are. Ken was full of anger at his soon-to-be-ex and pursuing his divorce while we were dating. I got tired of hearing about what a bitch she was and what shenanigans she had pulled now, and I eventually told him that it wasn’t fair and he had signed up for match before he was really ready. I was looking for someone who was already not just done with all that but so over it that it was just an old and not that interesting story to tell. But he was pretty fun to do stuff with so I gave him a chance, and another and another.
And that, my friends, is my special gift in this world: Giving men more chances than they deserve just to ensure that when it’s over, I have no regrets, no if-only-I’d-tried-this. When it’s over, I’m done and don’t look back. Being like this serves its purpose but sometimes seems a bit ridiculous when looking in from the outside. My hope, of course, is that someday I'll meet a guy who is enough of a match that I don't feel like I'm compromising my wishes and who I can just be with, without feeling the exasperation of, "Ok, I'll give this guy ONE more chance..."
Eventually, it fizzled and Ken’s break up line with me is now famous, nay infamous: “We have a lot in common,” he said to me, “but we also have a lot not in common. Like,” he continued, “I believe in God and you don’t.” Well then. I never held that against him, did I? No. And he knew that from day one—my profile says I'm spiritual but not religious and we’d talked about God and religion several times. AND it’s not really even accurate because I’m not really an atheist. Not every day anyway. And yet, I was relieved when he ended it. I fell into a trap with him of liking to just have someone around as opposed to really looking for a deeper love.
And Match it UP, Men continued to add sage advice to its brochure:
Don’t Lie in your profile.
She will eventually see how tall you are.
Separated and working to get divorced is not the same as divorced no matter how you slice it.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Adventures in On-Line Dating, Part I
So I decided to try this on-line dating business. The theory is: I'm totally cool and I live here, therefore there's the possibility someone else totally cool lives nearby who is single and available and looking for me on-line.
Well here's the news: I tried it and there isn't. Heh. But of course it's a bit more complex than that and let me just say now that if you are a parent or any kind of parental figure of mine, please, just stop now and don't even read these ones, ok? Ok.
I wasn't sure at first that I was totally invested in the idea of on-line dating but let's face it. I'm not going to meet some nice guy at church. I've met all the nice guys at work and have concluded that I won't be dating any of them. I haven't met any single men yet by running races or at the grocery store and I won't be meeting anyone while I'm sitting in my back yard on my deck. My daily and weekly routines do not include meeting a lot of new people.
I did a minimal amount of research and decided to try a free on-line dating service called Plenty of Fish. I just wanted to see if people in rural South Dakota were really using these types of services or not. I was pleasantly surprised when I first signed up to see that there weren’t just people, there were lots of people within driving distance of me! But as I started to search I found that the people there were a little off. Like, for example, the somewhat obese guy from my town calling himself Chief Crazy Bear, pictured from the waist up, naked. Fortunately, he was also ultra-conservative so I knew he wouldn’t be contacting me. I eventually concluded that you get what you pay for. Seeing some of those men was when I started to hatch my idea for my consulting business: Match it UP, Men, where I advise men on how to make their profiles more appealing to women. Rule #1: Put on a shirt. No one wants to see that.
My next step was to sign up for match.com. I actually enjoyed the questions and filling in all the little boxes. I could specify not only what sign but also what religion, height and political bent my potential dates would be?? I'm in heaven here, over-thinking it all as usual--analyzing my sentences and editing and reediting my paragraphs, attempting to capture my essence in (what??!!??) only 950 characters?? Oh, wait, no, there's a bunch of little 200 character paragraphs too for special topics like my job, my favorite places, my religion, my pets. Ok, then, I should be able to sum up who I am and who I'm looking for. Yes, I write and I write. I edit and I edit. I spend time trying to sound smart without sounding like an arrogant jerk. I fret over grammar and proofread and recheck to make sure all words are spelled correctly. Let me tell you, people, I put some work into my match profile. And if you were to read it, I do think you would say, "Why yes, Pam had really done a good job of summing up who she is and who she's looking for." You would. I was pleased with my work, finally and chose to post it.
I paid my money to subscribe and decided to do the logical first thing: I would put in all my preferences, all my essential "must haves" and see how many cute eligible men were out there, just waiting for my profile to come on-line. Let’s see… I would like a man who isn’t still married, who is a bit taller than I am, isn’t obese, isn’t a dogmatic religious person (agnostic, atheist or spiritual but not religious), has a college degree, is liberal, likes dogs and cats, doesn’t smoke, does drink but isn’t an alcoholic, makes enough money to travel with me, doesn’t want kids, and… lives within 50 miles of me. How’s that sound? Perfect, let’s search! Go! Guess how many there were? 0. Yes, that's right zero, none, no one. No men who matched.
But match is very helpful, of course, and it told me to change my criteria (There are no perfect men! You must compromise to be happy!) because “even small changes can make a huge difference!” So I did. I decided to allow men who chose Christian/Other, those who were Middle of the Road with politics and those who had some college but not necessarily a degree. Still not taking smokers or men who want kids. But there were still none. Uh-oh. Ok, how about I allow all Christians, men who already have kids and also people who are the same height as me? Too many compromises, people. And still no matches.
So I finally did a very inclusive search just to see who all WAS out there even if they weren't people I'd consider ideal matches. And what did I find? I found a ton of men. Men near me, even. Men who value their faith, men who “definitely” want kids, men who are conservative, men who smoke, men with no higher education. And it showed, God bless ‘em. There were few men who could spell, few who chose to actually use punctuation… lots and of run-on sentences to decipher but really only lots and lots as I looked at multiple men because each man used a maximum of 5 sentence to describe himself: I don’t like to talk about myself I’m an easy going guy easy to get along with don’t know what to say but I like to do things outside hunt fish and grill in the backyard take the harley out ridin family is important to me and if you want to know more send me an email and just ask.
Remember how I said it was a 950 maximum word limit? With options for several little 200 word paragraphs? Well, it’s also a 200 word minimum limit and most of these men would write 200 words and skip the auxiliary paragraphs—so match just shows the religion (they are all Christians and mostly Catholic) and political views boxes that they checked (they aren’t liberal). Not much to go on, really.
But it didn't really matter, because my intent was to put myself out there and see who, if anyone, contacted me. I wasn't going to initiate anything. I read that book, I know better--men like to make the first move. I know, how old fashioned of me, right?
I looked, I searched, I spent some time getting to know the match.com system. And then I waited to see what would happen next.
Well here's the news: I tried it and there isn't. Heh. But of course it's a bit more complex than that and let me just say now that if you are a parent or any kind of parental figure of mine, please, just stop now and don't even read these ones, ok? Ok.
I wasn't sure at first that I was totally invested in the idea of on-line dating but let's face it. I'm not going to meet some nice guy at church. I've met all the nice guys at work and have concluded that I won't be dating any of them. I haven't met any single men yet by running races or at the grocery store and I won't be meeting anyone while I'm sitting in my back yard on my deck. My daily and weekly routines do not include meeting a lot of new people.
I did a minimal amount of research and decided to try a free on-line dating service called Plenty of Fish. I just wanted to see if people in rural South Dakota were really using these types of services or not. I was pleasantly surprised when I first signed up to see that there weren’t just people, there were lots of people within driving distance of me! But as I started to search I found that the people there were a little off. Like, for example, the somewhat obese guy from my town calling himself Chief Crazy Bear, pictured from the waist up, naked. Fortunately, he was also ultra-conservative so I knew he wouldn’t be contacting me. I eventually concluded that you get what you pay for. Seeing some of those men was when I started to hatch my idea for my consulting business: Match it UP, Men, where I advise men on how to make their profiles more appealing to women. Rule #1: Put on a shirt. No one wants to see that.
My next step was to sign up for match.com. I actually enjoyed the questions and filling in all the little boxes. I could specify not only what sign but also what religion, height and political bent my potential dates would be?? I'm in heaven here, over-thinking it all as usual--analyzing my sentences and editing and reediting my paragraphs, attempting to capture my essence in (what??!!??) only 950 characters?? Oh, wait, no, there's a bunch of little 200 character paragraphs too for special topics like my job, my favorite places, my religion, my pets. Ok, then, I should be able to sum up who I am and who I'm looking for. Yes, I write and I write. I edit and I edit. I spend time trying to sound smart without sounding like an arrogant jerk. I fret over grammar and proofread and recheck to make sure all words are spelled correctly. Let me tell you, people, I put some work into my match profile. And if you were to read it, I do think you would say, "Why yes, Pam had really done a good job of summing up who she is and who she's looking for." You would. I was pleased with my work, finally and chose to post it.
I paid my money to subscribe and decided to do the logical first thing: I would put in all my preferences, all my essential "must haves" and see how many cute eligible men were out there, just waiting for my profile to come on-line. Let’s see… I would like a man who isn’t still married, who is a bit taller than I am, isn’t obese, isn’t a dogmatic religious person (agnostic, atheist or spiritual but not religious), has a college degree, is liberal, likes dogs and cats, doesn’t smoke, does drink but isn’t an alcoholic, makes enough money to travel with me, doesn’t want kids, and… lives within 50 miles of me. How’s that sound? Perfect, let’s search! Go! Guess how many there were? 0. Yes, that's right zero, none, no one. No men who matched.
But match is very helpful, of course, and it told me to change my criteria (There are no perfect men! You must compromise to be happy!) because “even small changes can make a huge difference!” So I did. I decided to allow men who chose Christian/Other, those who were Middle of the Road with politics and those who had some college but not necessarily a degree. Still not taking smokers or men who want kids. But there were still none. Uh-oh. Ok, how about I allow all Christians, men who already have kids and also people who are the same height as me? Too many compromises, people. And still no matches.
So I finally did a very inclusive search just to see who all WAS out there even if they weren't people I'd consider ideal matches. And what did I find? I found a ton of men. Men near me, even. Men who value their faith, men who “definitely” want kids, men who are conservative, men who smoke, men with no higher education. And it showed, God bless ‘em. There were few men who could spell, few who chose to actually use punctuation… lots and of run-on sentences to decipher but really only lots and lots as I looked at multiple men because each man used a maximum of 5 sentence to describe himself: I don’t like to talk about myself I’m an easy going guy easy to get along with don’t know what to say but I like to do things outside hunt fish and grill in the backyard take the harley out ridin family is important to me and if you want to know more send me an email and just ask.
Remember how I said it was a 950 maximum word limit? With options for several little 200 word paragraphs? Well, it’s also a 200 word minimum limit and most of these men would write 200 words and skip the auxiliary paragraphs—so match just shows the religion (they are all Christians and mostly Catholic) and political views boxes that they checked (they aren’t liberal). Not much to go on, really.
But it didn't really matter, because my intent was to put myself out there and see who, if anyone, contacted me. I wasn't going to initiate anything. I read that book, I know better--men like to make the first move. I know, how old fashioned of me, right?
I looked, I searched, I spent some time getting to know the match.com system. And then I waited to see what would happen next.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
What to do now?
It's been a long time since I wrote and you know what? It's because I'm really not mad anymore. I said that before, I know, but I'm just saying it's really true. I live alone (with my 4 pets of course) and I quite like it. I'm happy.
And, along those lines, I recently learned something interesting about myself. I met a man, and he seemed nice enough and we had enough in common that I thought I'd give him a chance. I had fun with him, for a time, but he lived a long ways away from me (and really, who doesn't, right?) and eventually when he called he would say to me that he was lonely. And sad. And didn't really know what to do with himself all day long. He was not used to living alone as he'd only within the past year just gotten out of a 10 year marriage and gone from living with his wife and their six kids to living alone in a one bedroom apartment. He had no idea how to handle that, or what one did with one's self when one got up every morning. And although he really wasn't looking to me to solve ALL of that, he was whining to me about it with some regularity. I told him that Dude, everyone is lonely and I really didn't think that a person could solve anyone else's lonely. And that he should get a dog. That relationship didn't work out and here is what I learned about me from that:
1. I'm comfortable with me and with waking up everyday to find that I still live alone in this big house.
2. I am relatively happy and look forward to my weekends--I get to spend the whole weekend alone!--that I pack with a long list of stuff I need to get done.
3. I can't solve your lonely or anyone else's. Everyone is lonely to some degree.
But that's not what this post is about. What this post is about is me trying to figure out what I am going to do next. I was convinced, until about a month ago or so, that all I wanted to do was get the hell out of Dodge. I was blocked from doing so by the state of remodel on my house so my plans were:
1. fix up house
2. move
But. But I've been thinking. And part of this will not sound like me at all, at first, but read on and hear me out. And then tell me what you think of my logic. I'm 45 years old. If I fix this house, and sell it, and I'm really really lucky, I will walk away from here with $10,000. Maybe $20,000. And then I'll move somewhere, right? And get a great job and find a house to buy and what? Start over again? And take on a 30 year mortgage so that I'll be looking at a $1,000+ house payment every month from now til I'm 75 years old? Really? That does not sit well with me. And I'm surprised at myself for even bringing it up because I get annoyed at people my age (and even older) who bitch about being too old, getting old, about age being a barrier to anything. Annoys the crap out of me. And yet. I can't see me starting over and buying into that whole scheme. My goal in life is to be debt free and that includes having no payment for my housing.
On the other hand, if I could stick it out here, I'd have this place totally paid off in 10 years. Less. I have a great job and I'm never happier than I am when it's summer and I'm out in my garden. The black dirt this place has to offer...
I've put a lot of work into this place. I've planted flowers, I've built sidewalks, fences and gardens, I've moved walls and tiled floors. Not alone, but now I'm alone so it becomes my work. Because it's my blog and I'm the hero. I'm emotionally invested in this place and it's a perfect place to live when one lives alone with 4 pets. We have a beautiful fenced-in yard and the perfect place to go for nice long dog walks everyday. Kitties can roam free and I rarely worry about my own personal safety. But that is not what this is about. This is about financial freedom. And lately, when I take a frank look at it, it seems to me like I might be financially free sooner if I stay here a bit longer. And if I take my leave quickly, I feel like I'd just be trading one trap for another.
But it could just be that since it's summer, I've naively managed to let myself forget the harsh reality that is winter here. And it's also possible that I'm afraid of a big change, although I'm pretty sure I'd smack anyone besides me who dared suggest that to me. (just kidding)
So. There it is. That is the current struggle that rages through my head in my waking hours. I'm just not sure if my points are valid or if I'm trying to convince myself. And if I am, why?
Oh, and there is one more thing. And this is just straight up fear and also a bit weird. As I said, I'm comfortable living and being alone. I'm not looking to date anyone. I wouldn't mind finding someone to be with eventually though. But I'm so scared that if I DO stay here, I'll meet some guy and then (again) get stuck here forever. But I also keep thinking that it's at least possible that there might be someone within driving distance I could love. I mean, I'm here, right? And when these thoughts go through my mind, the voice up there says this: Get out now before it's too late!!
heh. Don't know what to do with all this but get it out there. :)
And, along those lines, I recently learned something interesting about myself. I met a man, and he seemed nice enough and we had enough in common that I thought I'd give him a chance. I had fun with him, for a time, but he lived a long ways away from me (and really, who doesn't, right?) and eventually when he called he would say to me that he was lonely. And sad. And didn't really know what to do with himself all day long. He was not used to living alone as he'd only within the past year just gotten out of a 10 year marriage and gone from living with his wife and their six kids to living alone in a one bedroom apartment. He had no idea how to handle that, or what one did with one's self when one got up every morning. And although he really wasn't looking to me to solve ALL of that, he was whining to me about it with some regularity. I told him that Dude, everyone is lonely and I really didn't think that a person could solve anyone else's lonely. And that he should get a dog. That relationship didn't work out and here is what I learned about me from that:
1. I'm comfortable with me and with waking up everyday to find that I still live alone in this big house.
2. I am relatively happy and look forward to my weekends--I get to spend the whole weekend alone!--that I pack with a long list of stuff I need to get done.
3. I can't solve your lonely or anyone else's. Everyone is lonely to some degree.
But that's not what this post is about. What this post is about is me trying to figure out what I am going to do next. I was convinced, until about a month ago or so, that all I wanted to do was get the hell out of Dodge. I was blocked from doing so by the state of remodel on my house so my plans were:
1. fix up house
2. move
But. But I've been thinking. And part of this will not sound like me at all, at first, but read on and hear me out. And then tell me what you think of my logic. I'm 45 years old. If I fix this house, and sell it, and I'm really really lucky, I will walk away from here with $10,000. Maybe $20,000. And then I'll move somewhere, right? And get a great job and find a house to buy and what? Start over again? And take on a 30 year mortgage so that I'll be looking at a $1,000+ house payment every month from now til I'm 75 years old? Really? That does not sit well with me. And I'm surprised at myself for even bringing it up because I get annoyed at people my age (and even older) who bitch about being too old, getting old, about age being a barrier to anything. Annoys the crap out of me. And yet. I can't see me starting over and buying into that whole scheme. My goal in life is to be debt free and that includes having no payment for my housing.
On the other hand, if I could stick it out here, I'd have this place totally paid off in 10 years. Less. I have a great job and I'm never happier than I am when it's summer and I'm out in my garden. The black dirt this place has to offer...
I've put a lot of work into this place. I've planted flowers, I've built sidewalks, fences and gardens, I've moved walls and tiled floors. Not alone, but now I'm alone so it becomes my work. Because it's my blog and I'm the hero. I'm emotionally invested in this place and it's a perfect place to live when one lives alone with 4 pets. We have a beautiful fenced-in yard and the perfect place to go for nice long dog walks everyday. Kitties can roam free and I rarely worry about my own personal safety. But that is not what this is about. This is about financial freedom. And lately, when I take a frank look at it, it seems to me like I might be financially free sooner if I stay here a bit longer. And if I take my leave quickly, I feel like I'd just be trading one trap for another.
But it could just be that since it's summer, I've naively managed to let myself forget the harsh reality that is winter here. And it's also possible that I'm afraid of a big change, although I'm pretty sure I'd smack anyone besides me who dared suggest that to me. (just kidding)
So. There it is. That is the current struggle that rages through my head in my waking hours. I'm just not sure if my points are valid or if I'm trying to convince myself. And if I am, why?
Oh, and there is one more thing. And this is just straight up fear and also a bit weird. As I said, I'm comfortable living and being alone. I'm not looking to date anyone. I wouldn't mind finding someone to be with eventually though. But I'm so scared that if I DO stay here, I'll meet some guy and then (again) get stuck here forever. But I also keep thinking that it's at least possible that there might be someone within driving distance I could love. I mean, I'm here, right? And when these thoughts go through my mind, the voice up there says this: Get out now before it's too late!!
heh. Don't know what to do with all this but get it out there. :)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
An Ode.
An Ode to Love Lost
A while ago, I met a man in a most unusual way
And while we had never met, we talked ‘most every day.
We spoke of politics, religion, philosophy and race:
The history of how things had come to be in this time and place.
I had forgotten what it was like to connect with someone so completely
Agree we did, and all the time, as we got to know each other deeply.
We spoke of gardens and travel and I soon came to know
The man whom I’d chosen as my mate would just have to go.
My mate was sweet and handy and he could fix most anything
If you allowed for do-overs, mess-ups and things tied up with string.
He wasn’t deep and didn’t care to speak of economics, politics or anything complicated
“Idiots all,” was how he dismissed it-all highly overrated.
I examined him and our home and world and came to finally see
That I would rather be alone than face the rest of life: him and me.
So I ended it, finally, with much angst and pain and consternation
Wasted energy it was as he replaced me instantly without an ounce of hesitation.
As for the other man, well, I suppose I got what I deserved
We finally met and although it was grand I should have been more reserved
For I was honest as always and soon learned that his desire
Was to get to know me better not to embrace the fire.
Why now does all this come up in this love lost ode?
I heard from each recently here in my humble abode.
The one has moved on and she and he really are quite swell.
The other, well he just says that he wishes for me well.
I’m lonely now, was lonely then, but it’s better to be alone
Than be lonely when you have someone ignoring you at home.
And as for my wish, yes, that too came to be.
“I’d rather be alone,” I said. I am. Yay me.
A while ago, I met a man in a most unusual way
And while we had never met, we talked ‘most every day.
We spoke of politics, religion, philosophy and race:
The history of how things had come to be in this time and place.
I had forgotten what it was like to connect with someone so completely
Agree we did, and all the time, as we got to know each other deeply.
We spoke of gardens and travel and I soon came to know
The man whom I’d chosen as my mate would just have to go.
My mate was sweet and handy and he could fix most anything
If you allowed for do-overs, mess-ups and things tied up with string.
He wasn’t deep and didn’t care to speak of economics, politics or anything complicated
“Idiots all,” was how he dismissed it-all highly overrated.
I examined him and our home and world and came to finally see
That I would rather be alone than face the rest of life: him and me.
So I ended it, finally, with much angst and pain and consternation
Wasted energy it was as he replaced me instantly without an ounce of hesitation.
As for the other man, well, I suppose I got what I deserved
We finally met and although it was grand I should have been more reserved
For I was honest as always and soon learned that his desire
Was to get to know me better not to embrace the fire.
Why now does all this come up in this love lost ode?
I heard from each recently here in my humble abode.
The one has moved on and she and he really are quite swell.
The other, well he just says that he wishes for me well.
I’m lonely now, was lonely then, but it’s better to be alone
Than be lonely when you have someone ignoring you at home.
And as for my wish, yes, that too came to be.
“I’d rather be alone,” I said. I am. Yay me.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
It worked!
Well, it seems like it worked. I created a blog to help me let go of my anger and I typed and typed and as I did the swirling anger in my mind coalesced into paragraphs that, once written, allowed it all to just be gone.
Now, when I walk my dogs or do my routine chores, my thoughts focus on other things than just him and our problems. I no longer stew over the past and what he said or did or how things could have gone. I focus on my upcoming trips, my job, watching that spotted dog's butt as she runs like a crazy beast... I focus on me, on the now. And that is all I wanted when I first came here. I'm a success! Yay me!!
He's still around though, and now has decided, which I have not discouraged because I'm not quite sure why I'm suppose to, that I am his confidante regarding his new relationship. I now know way more than I ever thought I would, or wanted to, know about him and his very young girlfriend. Not that I care how old she is. as if.
And we still share some tools, a lawnmower, stuff like that. So I see him. And do you know what? I feel bad for him; I pity him. He has no clarity, he has nowhere that he's going, no goals beyond getting a new job. This is not new. But now when I listen to him yak on about his upcoming job interview for a job in the city where his girlfriend lives and his relationship issues that are making him question if he should take this job and move, about how he would like to do this or that, get a new truck, etc. but can't afford to even pay his rent, about how he might actually move away from here while I remain, as it seems, trapped here, owned by my house, I think, Aw, poor guy... he got the new young girl and doesn't even know if he trusts her, doesn't know what to think, will always just be this poor, broke flounderer. And it makes me sad for him. But not sad enough to want to do anything but listen. And I do my very best not to laugh, for the most part.
I, on the other hand, have tried on a few goals and am still not sure what to do. Here's the deal, to sum it up:
I like to travel.
I am a good public speaker and trainer of adults who want to learn.
I have awesome organizational skills.
I am creative.
I would like very much to start my own business.
I think I'd be good at training... but of what or of whom?
Something with tribal colleges?
I don't know.
I am working to manifest a way to combine all my skills into some lucrative traveling job where I set my own schedule and get to live here in the summer and be in warm places in the winter.
I think I should get a master's degree, but do I really want or need an MBA? Does that even make sense for me?
I am pondering. For now, I take my class. I walk my dogs. I do my best to keep up at work and keep my pets warm and fed and happy. And I work on my life goals. I need to set a few goals or stop mocking those with none.
The ultimate irony, for now, is if I, as a result of my break-up, am unable to move whereas he is forced to. The opposite of the desires that drove us apart.
That's all I've got for now, but the last thing I have to say is that I may perhaps need to rename the blog and find a way to use it to help me think things out and make my plans and create my new life. Because it's not about him anymore. It's about me now.
Now, when I walk my dogs or do my routine chores, my thoughts focus on other things than just him and our problems. I no longer stew over the past and what he said or did or how things could have gone. I focus on my upcoming trips, my job, watching that spotted dog's butt as she runs like a crazy beast... I focus on me, on the now. And that is all I wanted when I first came here. I'm a success! Yay me!!
He's still around though, and now has decided, which I have not discouraged because I'm not quite sure why I'm suppose to, that I am his confidante regarding his new relationship. I now know way more than I ever thought I would, or wanted to, know about him and his very young girlfriend. Not that I care how old she is. as if.
And we still share some tools, a lawnmower, stuff like that. So I see him. And do you know what? I feel bad for him; I pity him. He has no clarity, he has nowhere that he's going, no goals beyond getting a new job. This is not new. But now when I listen to him yak on about his upcoming job interview for a job in the city where his girlfriend lives and his relationship issues that are making him question if he should take this job and move, about how he would like to do this or that, get a new truck, etc. but can't afford to even pay his rent, about how he might actually move away from here while I remain, as it seems, trapped here, owned by my house, I think, Aw, poor guy... he got the new young girl and doesn't even know if he trusts her, doesn't know what to think, will always just be this poor, broke flounderer. And it makes me sad for him. But not sad enough to want to do anything but listen. And I do my very best not to laugh, for the most part.
I, on the other hand, have tried on a few goals and am still not sure what to do. Here's the deal, to sum it up:
I like to travel.
I am a good public speaker and trainer of adults who want to learn.
I have awesome organizational skills.
I am creative.
I would like very much to start my own business.
I think I'd be good at training... but of what or of whom?
Something with tribal colleges?
I don't know.
I am working to manifest a way to combine all my skills into some lucrative traveling job where I set my own schedule and get to live here in the summer and be in warm places in the winter.
I think I should get a master's degree, but do I really want or need an MBA? Does that even make sense for me?
I am pondering. For now, I take my class. I walk my dogs. I do my best to keep up at work and keep my pets warm and fed and happy. And I work on my life goals. I need to set a few goals or stop mocking those with none.
The ultimate irony, for now, is if I, as a result of my break-up, am unable to move whereas he is forced to. The opposite of the desires that drove us apart.
That's all I've got for now, but the last thing I have to say is that I may perhaps need to rename the blog and find a way to use it to help me think things out and make my plans and create my new life. Because it's not about him anymore. It's about me now.
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