Dude, you're on your own.

I've always been independent and known that I was not getting married or having kids. Since I was six I've known that. And as I grew up I held nothing but disdain for the women I knew who were so dependent on men. Many people divorced in our small town in the 70's and as I watched all that go down all I could think was, if that ever happens to me, I will make sure ahead of time that I'm fine and you won't see me begging some lame ass to please send the child support or, heaven forbid, alimony!

Now that may seem a bit over the top, but meh, too bad, that's how I thought when I was young. Those attitudes are what helped shape me into the fiercely independent person I am today.

I grew older, went to college. Paid my own way through, dependent on no one but myself. And the kindness of the student loan program.

I had relationships after college but wasn't seeking out anything but equality and independence. Eventually I met my ex and tra la la, we moved in together. Or, should I say, he moved in with me. I owned my own house free and clear when he moved in, which wasn't saying that much since it only cost $7,000, but still. All the bills I had were my monthly utilities and stuff so of course when he moved in with me, it never even occurred to me to charge him rent or anything. I continued to pay the bills I'd always paid and, sigh, now the love of my life lived there too. What more could a gal ask for?

In keeping with my need for independence, which is possibly related to a lack of trust of anyone but me, we lived together but never had any joint accounts. He had his bills and I had mine. He had his checking account and I had mine. We did not discuss this arrangement, and it worked well for the most part. I learned, whenever I considered a joint account, that I did not trust him and I could not do it. I don't trust anyone with my money. I earned it and I'll spend it. grr. We had a joint savings account for a while but it never really had anymore than the required $50 in it.

We moved to Rapid for a bit, he and I, and after a few years of that, we bought this house and moved here. And by "we" I mean I bought this house and we moved in. I chose the house, I made the offer, I did the negotiating with the sellers, I found a way to finance it prior to selling the other house and I made all the monthly mortgage payments. It was that way here, in Rapid and in the first house, the one I owned when we met. I made the majority of all the payments: mortgage, water, sewer, electricity, heat, phone, tv, computer, insurance... you get the picture. But I didn't mind. I was in love and he had obligations. I understood.

When we first met his child support obligation was so totally unrealistically high, it was more than he made. He had the misfortune of having it get set while he was working 40 hours regular time and 40 hours overtime per week. So, sure, during the busy season, it made sense but the rest of the year it was robbery! The horribly high amount was reduced, eventually (thanks to me, the hero!). He also had a payment he made for his truck, and a cell phone payment and the insurance on his truck. So, see, it wasn't like he didn't contribute anything. He just didn't contribute anything to us. But, like I said, I understood. We spoke with breathless rhapsody of how one day, in the future, when his kids were both 18, there would come a day when he would no longer have to pay child support!! And then, then we'd be rich. There were good times a-comin'!!

The good deal about moving here was that although this house cost a bit more than $7,000, it was still relatively cheap so at first my mortgage payment was fairly low and I had a decent job so it was no problem for me to just pay for all the stuff like I always did. At least we had a truck to drive and, honestly? for real? At least he wasn't one of those dads who chose to not work so as to thwart his ex out of getting any help--his child support took up a chunk of his paycheck but it was important. I really did understand.

And then we decided that we should do some remodeling. So we tore some stuff up, bit off way more than we could chew and soon realized that if we were going to really do this project, we would need a lot more money, and in larger chunks than the small bits either of us had leftover after paying bills on payday. So we (I) refinanced the house. Got an appraisal done and it appraised for like twice what we'd paid for it. I ended up getting a lot of money to do things like pay down the VISA and buy a shitload of sheetrock. It upped my mortgage amount but with an interest rate at 4.5% fixed, my payment was still pretty low. So all was well for a while.

But then we needed more money. The VISA was back up there, again, (argh!) and we had decided to install a wood burning stove. We needed a large chunk of cash on hand to pay the plumber and, oh yeah, he needed a fancy snowblower and his kid needed $800 to buy a car. Hm. Ok. So I took out a 2nd mortgage against the equity of our house. It scared me a bit but was within my ability to pay. But I warned him that if "we" did this, I wouldn't have much leftover for groceries or other stuff. "Don't worry," he said, "My truck will soon be paid off and I'll send all that extra money to the 2nd mortgage. Plus!! All the money I make blowing snow I'll send off to that loan too." Wow. Sounded great to me and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. If he'd really use his extra truck payment money to help, we could have the 2nd paid off in no time! Cool!

So winter came and there was snow to be blown but... there was always something else that the money had to go to. As usual, I understood. The snowblower did need gas, after all, and I could see how he needed some better boots to be out in that weather, and a guy needs to fish, doesn't he? But soon, I told myself, soon the truck will be paid off and then we'll see progress!

Well, eventually the truck did get paid off. And I was ready. I was just tired of never being able to budget any money for clothes or anything for me and ready for him to help me out a bit. And then one day I came home from work and he was all excited. "Guess what?!?" he said, "I bought a Harley!" I was in shock. I had no idea he was even shopping for a bike, a Harley. I just stared at him and twitched a little in my eye as I did the are-you-insane headshake, a mannerism I got from my dad.

The bike was beautiful. He found it from some guy on Craig's list and was to go down and pick it up the next day. I could have started a fight with him, reminded him of his promise to me. I could have tried to forbid it. I could have had any number of negative reactions but as I stood in dumbfounded amazement while he explained to me how this bike, even though it would require a monthly payment, would cost less than the truck had and with what he'd save in gas, this bike was going to save us money!! ... as I listened I had one thought in my mind and it was, "Dude, you're on your own."

I knew as he went on about his pretty blue bike that he would never help me out with any bills. He wasn't going to change now with the extra truck payment money and it'd be no different when his kids grew up and his child support obligation was finally over. I was on my own with anything I signed my name to and he was never going to help. I believe that was the day when I seriously started to shut down. I had had my doubts before that but that day, even though I really didn't know it at the time, was, in my heart, the beginning of the end.

I went to the bank the next day and had a heart to heart talk with the loan lady and, in the end, wrapped my car loan and the 2nd mortgage together. So me and this car? We're in it for the long haul. But at least now I can afford groceries.

Now I could go on and on about the bike, and all the money that got poured into this miracle tool that would save us money!! as he tried just getting it to run. I could talk about how short-sighted I find it to buy any kind of used motorized vehicle without warranties, test drives and mechanical inspections. About how much spark plugs were for it and how few miles it took to foul them out.... but it's not really about the bike, is it? The bike is loud and like every decent Harley, it roars when you rev it up. Seeing him in his sleeveless shirt with his do-rag on, so tan, on his Harley, yeah sure it was sexy. But I never once got to ride on it. I bet he hasn't even put more than 300 miles on it since he got it; he still doesn't even have a motorcycle license!

But this, I believe, is the best part to this story. So, we break up right? And he's still living here, a little short on cash, can't afford his own place just yet. I think by now it's clear that I am perhaps a bit more lenient and understanding than most would be. So he comes home one day, all proud! He has, he tells me, reduced his monthly payment on the bike, and that's a relief because he's got a lot going on, you know. I asked if he'd extended the pay off period by a couple years or what and he said that no, it wasn't that. Suddenly I'm all ears. How on earth does one reduce one's monthly payment without extending the payoff time? Do tell. Easy. He just has to make a balloon payment in a couple years or so. How much? He does not know. Did you catch that? He does not know. He has absolutely no idea what the actual terms are he's just agreed to, he's not sure when the balloon payment is due or how much it is, he just knows that for now his monthly payment is less, and really isn't that all that matters? And in my head, again, only this time, with huge relief and about him: Dude, you're on your own!