Finding the proper avenue for release

I have a lot of anger right now; some for the ex, some not. And a lot of it is frivolous stuff, so silly as to be ineligible for consideration in the legitimate field of acceptable things to bitch about. Some not so much.

I'm hoping to become a better person and let go of all the anger. And be one of those people who, when you meet them, you come away somewhat annoyed and somewhat jealous. I want people, after having run into me at the grocery store, to walk away thinking, "Damn her for being so smug and so frickin' happy. I wish I was happy. Grr..." And, yeah, sure, I see the hypocrisy of me wishing that my own happiness would be so great as to piss off other, less happy people.

So what then? How do I deal with this anger? How to process it, shove it aside, bury, it regurgitate it, purge it so that it no longer consumes me? Better still how to get so I just don't think of it, of him or all the things about the last 10 years that just piss me off, so that I can move on and just be me? I used to like me. But.

You know how annoying it is to just suddenly find your own mouth telling a story, unbidden by the logical, normal part of your brain, to some random person about some stupid idiocy of your ex's, that never needed any telling, but you are so consumed with your own situation that a person saying something as innocuous as, "What nice weather we're having," is likely to set you off over what an dumbass your ex was for the way he couldn't get the outdoor part of the indoor/outdoor thermometer to read correctly because he couldn't understand the simple instruction: Do not place sensor in direct sunlight. Anyone who's been through a major breakup can probably relate. I'm just saying that my anger is starting to annoy me. Even as I'm relating a Stupid Ex anecdote, I am shrinking with embarrassment inside, saying, "Dude, you need to stop doing this. The world does not revolved around the end of your relationship."

Some might say, "But what about your Internet friends?" Well, it's the same for them as it is for the people I talk to in real life. There's really only so much boorassing about the ex that people can take before they all just kinda go, Oh, yeah, the one about the indoor/outdoor thermometer? Heard it. Twice. Yawn. Let it go already.

But, I thought, what if I got a blog? I could bitch and bitch and let it all out to my heart's content. I could even yak about the frivolous stuff, the stuff I can't even tell KW about because it's too stupid to admit that I actually think that way. And people could come and read my blog, if they knew about it, and they could read it and go, "Wow. This chick has issues." And snicker about how much less their lives suck, how silly it is for me to feel anger over such mundane crap, what, exactly, they would do in my situation and how glad they are to not be me. And decide on their own if they want to keep reading it or not, unlike my poor work and my poor Internet friends.

This blog, in theory, concentrates my Stupid Ex anecdotes and provides an outlet for my anger that I can plan for. Instead of launching into some long stupid story that no one wants to hear about how the install of the garage door went, and how that compared to the last time we tried installing a garage door, and how angry each made me and how each put bricks in the wall, I could instead (this is my hope!) channel that story into a Stupid Ex Anecdote compartment in my brain and edit it and embellish it to the point where it was entertaining enough to type out here. I suspect that this might leave me, both on my board and in real life conversations, a bit disconnected while I get used to the leap I have to force my brain to make... I'll be all, "Wow, a bat in your garage and it just flew out when you opened the door and chased it with a broom? Really? That reminds me of my own garage....." and I'll get this stupid shocked look and momentarily space out and inside my brain it'll be like this: "... STOP!!! Don't tell this poor woman you work with about how your dumbass ex can't read enough to install the garage door!!This would go much better at your Letting go of anger blog... you could tell of how the door still doesn't work, he couldn't get it in right, the motor size was all wrong, it wasn't his fault, certainly, heh, and how it was his fault that the door got damaged when the wind storm caught the piece that was loose after he drove his snowmobile into it and fixed it with duct tape, and then segue into the garage door in Rapid and how you had to stand there and read the book line by line out loud so that he could install it right....man, that was a fun day even if I laugh at him for it now... god damn him why did he stop loving me and I him? Surely it's all his fault. grr..." ...and then I'll grimace a tiny bit and pop back into the now and say something like, "bats are kinda cute but they can carry rabies!! Best to get that fucker out of there!!

See? Makes me look like I'm on drugs at first, but the option of having an outlet to think it through for, sparing my friends the continual boorassing will be well worth it.

Now, who wants to hear about the heater coil under the tile floor in the sewing room? How about whatever happened to that snowmobile anyway? or perhaps you'd rather hear about family drama and how great a dad he was after we spent hundreds of dollars on a lawyer and won?

Here is my caveat, and I will say in this once and I'll not back away: You're only getting my point of view. That's all you'll get here and I'm the hero of all my stories. As it should be. grr.